Naughty Words
by Butterismyjam
Summary: Filch and Harry become friends after Harry is found sneaking around the restricted section. (Contains no actual swearing)


**Hello, everyone! This story is probably different than most fanfictions you've read. That's because it's weird. Like, completely wacko. So, beware.**

**The way I wrote this is that I got some friends together and asked one of them to play Harry and the other to be Filch. I then asked them to act out a scene as the characters. I recorded their conversation on my phone and wrote it up in Google Docs, adding actions and such.**

**The one thing I avoided was expressing the characters thoughts. That means no 'Anger burned inside of Harry. Why had Filch tried to kill him? ****_What a horrible old man,_**** he thought.' Bla bla bla. **

**In any other story, it would be good to include this, but for the purpose of this fanfiction, I thought it counterproductive. Avoiding this allows the reader to infer what is going on in the characters' heads and wonder about their motives, which is exactly what I wanted. It's also what makes this story so... random.**

**This is a really interesting way of writing and usually ends up making you laugh, so give it a try!**

Harry banged through the library door, headed straight for the restricted section, not knowing that someone was following him. "Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! It's so fun to sneak into the restricted section at night, because I'm Harry Potter, so nobody's gonna catch me! Ha ha ha! I'm the chosen one! He he he he he!"

Harry started picking books off the shelves.

The soft glow of a lantern appeared at the end of a shelf, and then a face came into the light. "Hello, Harry Potter," said a menacing voice.

Harry's eyes widened. "Ah! It's Argus Filch! Help me!" he called to no one in particular, for the library was deserted.

Filch pointed a crooked finger. "Go get him, Mrs. Norris."

"What? No! Cat, get off my face! Aaaah! Oh my gosh!" Harry managed to get Mrs. Norris of him. Wiping blood from his face and breathing deeply, he asked, "What's your problem, Filch? Why can't you just be nicer? Are you a good guy anyway, because, like, nobody knows-"

A sob interrupted him. "I have a deep secret!"

"What's your secret? Gosh, spill it already!" Harry urged impatiently.

"My fish died!" More sobs.

"Your fish died?! Fish are my favorite animal! I feel so bad for you!" Harry patted Filch's back, and a cloud of dust billowed from his clothing. Then, remembering that they were in the restricted section, he added, "Please don't tell on me!"

"Okay." Filch drew out a handkerchief and blew his nose loudly.

"I'll feel for you! We can be friends for ever!"

The old man sniffled. "Pinkie swear?"

"Uuuh... Okay." They locked pinkies.

Suddenly, an evil smile appeared on Filch's face. He drew his wand. "Avadakadavra!"

The spell hit Harry square in the chest. "Aaaah! So you _are_ bad! Okay. ...wait! I don't wanna die!"

"Ha ha ha!"

"You are _so_ mean!" Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "I thought that I was going to be-"

"Mrs. Norris, go get him." The demon cat attacked once again.

"I thought that I was going to be your fish buddy! Get off my face, cat! Aaaah! I'm going to the infirmary place thingy I think."

"What's that?"

"Where you go if you're hurt? Right? I... don't... know."

"I believe that's called the hospital wing!" said Filch, his mood suddenly changed.

"No it's- ...okay. Well, okay."

"_Was_ it the hospital wing?" Filch whispered to Harry.

"Yes," replied Harry in a regular voice. "Hospital wing. Hopital. Hop- Hey! Let's go to the library! Wait, we're already in the library!"

"That's what I was thinkin! I was just like 'wuuuut?'-"

"Can I borrow your lamp?" Harry interrupted.

"...okay! Here you go! Go look in the restricted section!"

"Oh, thank you! But, I still hate you because your cat is mean. You should go give it to the vet so they can take the claws out. Hey, let's look at naughty words in books!" Harry selected a thick volume titled _Wizard Swears and How to Use Them._

"Okay!"

Harry started to giggle.

Filch peaked at a page. "Bloody beep!"

"Stop!" Harry giggled some more.

"Your Fred Ron- your friend Ron says that too much! You should really tell him to stop."

Harry gasped. With wide eyes, he asked, "Do you stalk us?"

Filch was silent. "...um... N-no!"

"Oh! Okay! Let's be besties!"

"Okay!"

"Oh, oh, let's look at more naughty words!" Harry took another book off of the shelf. "This one says _Naughty Words for Beginners!_ Let's look at this book!" He opened it. "It's like a dictionary but only naughty words!"

Filch giggled, and Harry turned the page.

"I'm so excited! This is so much fun." Harry gasped. "Oh my gosh! Do you see what it says right there?"

Now it was Filch's turn to gasp. He gasped as if he had just resurfaced after swimming. "Oh my gosh! You should really show that to Ronald. That can be his new thang!"

"No, I'm gonna show it to Professor Dumbledore!"

Filch erupted into high pitched laughter.

"I'll try it out on him the next time I see him!"

**Review, please! :)**


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